Illogical
by paradoxical-enigma
Summary: Our heroes, the Akatsuki, travel to Hawaii for some fun in the sun! When a snowcone hits Itachi's glasses, hilarity ensues! Rated for Hidan's mouth.


Chapter 1: Setting the Stage for Fun!

Naoka awoke on Saturday morning to bright light filtering in through her window. She stirred slowly, blinking groggily against the sun's warm rays. The instant she finally sat up and reluctantly tore the cat-emblazoned blanket from her shoulders, a chill breeze rushed past her long, dark-brown hair. She shivered violently when she felt a strong hand grasp her shoulder. She turned her head to stare at Kisame's smiling face, and she gave him a small grin in return. "So you're awake, are you?" She asked softly, her tone like the sweet ring of a bell. She hadn't intended to wake him up so suddenly; her lover had a big day coming up at the Akatsuki, as the capture of the next Jinchuuriki was planned. Without a word, Kisame pulled Naoka into a warm embrace and she relaxed against his chest. His heartbeat sounded loudly in her ears and she was grateful to have such a man by her side.

Meanwhile, snow was falling quietly on Konoha, blanketing its rooftops in white. Few people were out and about, and those who weren't sleeping inside their homes were likely of some importance to the story. "I'm so happy I've finally brought you back, Sasuke." Naruto's voice rang out through the otherwise-silent playground around them. Sasuke raised a hand to Naruto's whiskered cheek and caressed it lovingly as they stared into each other's eyes. "It was my own choice, Naruto." Sasuke reassured him in his signature silky-smooth tone that any girl would die for. It was a shame for them that he was gay- for a certain foxy boy. Naruto gave Sasuke a wide grin, pleased by his reasoning.

"All that matters is that you're staying here, Sasuke'ttebayo!" Naruto clutched Sasuke's shirt in one hand and added in a low whisper, "…with me." Sasuke gazed down at him, memorizing the way his face looked in such a pretty light pink. The sight brought the slightest of smiles to even his face. His hand trailed down to Naruto's chin, lifting it up a few inches to meet his own, and he lowered his lips over his friend's. Naruto blinked in surprise and was frozen for just a second before eagerly returning the kiss. The warmth of his cheeks and Sasuke's arms wrapped around him negated the cold winter wind.

Suddenly, a shrill shriek sounded nearby, and Naruto and Sasuke broke away from each other to find Sakura standing a few feet away, dressed in a yellow bikini and looking as though she'd just seen a ghost. She was pointing to the two of them with one unsteady hand, her eyes were wide as saucers, and her improperly-dressed body was shaking from shock (or perhaps the twenty-degree weather). "Y-You- Sasuke-KUUUUN!" She fell limply to her knees and her expression dissolved into one of hurt. Naruto and Sasuke exchanged helpless looks before Sasuke finally scooted a few inches away from Naruto. Both boys were now reduced to awkwardly glancing to Sakura's left, right, or just above her. Sakura was still for what seemed like a long while before finally picking herself back up. With a look of fiery determination, she withdrew a kunai knife and sliced off her long pink hair so that it was shoulder-length.

Naruto gasped aloud as the strands of Sakura's hair blew away in a sudden breeze. "B-But Sakura-chan-" He began and was cut off by the hate-filled look in her eyes. Several more seconds passed in uncomfortable silence before Sakura's arm shot towards Naruto and Sasuke. Sasuke remained still and Naruto shied back, but both were understandably bewildered when her fist became a thumbs-up. "Eeeeeeee!" Sakura screamed suddenly, grinning like a madwoman. She wiggled in place, unable to contain her excitement. "Yaoi FTW, guys!"

Kisame entered the Akatsuki base in a very manly fashion, his stone-hard abs beating out the cold by _force. _He heard two sighs of delight and glanced a little to his left to find Itachi and Deidara gushing over his entrance. Always eager to please, he flexed his muscles and kissed his bulging right arm. His two fanboys responded by squealing in delight and then fainting. "Hey, would you men cut it out? This is so unprofessional." Came the exasperated voice of a mystery woman. Out of the shadows stepped a teenage girl with spiky purple hair and blue eyes that swam like an ocean full of crystal. Her angelic face was breathtakingly gorgeous but darkened by a scowl. "I apologize, Angelcake." Itachi took a few careful steps over to the woman, grasped her hand in his, and kissed it. Angelcake quickly drew her hand back out of his. "Don't greet me so formally, Itachi-chan." She insisted. Itachi simply shook his head. "It's an honor to caress that soft hand of yours, my dear. If only I could have those lips for just a moment as well…" Angelcake simply shook her head in disgust and walked away, fed up with Itachi's infatuation over her. She secretly believed he only liked her for the pair of pink cat ears that sat atop her head. Itachi retired to his room and wept because of his lost love.

Hidan suddenly ran into the living room carrying a pink elephant under his right arm. "Guess what, guys? I discovered a motherfucking portal to- get this- a faggot show!" Kakuzu scoffed in disdain, unimpressed by his revelation. He quickly corrected him: **"It's called a transvestite bar, Hidan." **Hidan rolled his eyes. He wasn't concerned with details. "Anyway, who wants to hop in?" Itachi heaved a deep sigh and closed his eyes for a good while. When he opened them again, Hidan could plainly see his Mangekyou Sharingan. He gasped and was almost immediately trapped in a nightmare world, nailed to a plank of wood and stabbed over and over again for what seemed like an eternity.

"Sounds fun." Itachi decided and Deidara nodded in agreement. **"I guess I can steal some money from the male strippers."** Kakuzu resigned himself to going. Pein would have gone also, but Konan glued him to the floor to prevent his involvement. Deidara threw a rope around Sasori's wooden neck to prevent him from escaping. The puppet simply continued to read a book about wood-carving all the while. Horror novels appealed to him so. "Then it's settled!" Hidan exclaimed and a swirling gold vortex opened up in the center of the room at the snap of his fingers. "Onward to- the faggot show!" He plugged his nose and jumped into the portal. His Akatsuki cohorts followed, all but Kisame, who lagged behind, befuddled by this turn of events. "G-Guys, what about capturing that Jinchuuriki?" He asked feebly, to no avail. Nobody but him preferred attacking a Bijuu host to visiting a transvestite bar and all his comrades had disappeared into thin air.

(A/N: omg! Or heroes r visiting a transvsting bar… what waky events will happen1?)


End file.
